A few years ago, some enterprising scumfuck intellectuals discovered an ancient literary treasure. The text surfaced from the delta of a dead river during a city-destroying hurricane. It was written in an unknown language by an inhuman hand. When the filthy gutter trash who found the tome tore a corner from the surprisingly resilient parchment, and broke into the labs at the local university to carbon-date it, the machines came back with sometime in the 9th century BC. Initially, the walking scuzzbuckets kicked themselves for botching the carbon dating procedure, but after an afternoon of wikipedia research at the public library, they found a significant correlation. The dates align with the supposed biblical reign of King Ahab and his wife Jezebel, a period when Yahweh’s dominance was briefly eclipsed by the deities Baal and Asherah.
This apparent coincidence proved essential to translating the text. It is not in ancient Hebrew, it’s not in any language the linguists or philogists amongst the gang had ever seen or heard of. The crustie oogles decided to break into a synagogue for answers. They held the rabbi hostage at gunpoint, demanding an interview with the foremost expert in ancient languages. This expert found similarities to a few inverted ancient Hebrew characters, and handed over his library to appease the smelly invaders. Decoding the text revealed deeply contradictory results. The text is certainly ancient, seems to have been written centuries ago, but the content, after translation, is decidedly modern. At one point the ancient text clearly references Miley Cyrus.
The translation continues. Really, it’s more like decoding than translating, or perhaps the most accurate word would be channelling. The gutter punks have left their shambling lives behind in absolute devotion to the text. They even quit drinking and music, now spangeing for the the barest of essentials while pouring over texts and having viscous debates about accurate verb forms and correct interpretations. Some have formed a zealous cult, intending to see through the rituals described in the text upon it’s full translation.
Others, our faction, intend simply to publish and share this great and bewildering literary work with the world. We have adopted the name Zelig Rana, as a collective pseudonym.
The text seems to describe a ritual engaged in by a previously unheard of amphibian cult that unhinges thirteen seemingly random people from their normal lives. These disciples carry a contagious queer ultra-violence everywhere they go, carving weird crooked paths of destruction through the social fabric of heteropatriarchy.
The bizarre origins and predictive power of this text are unknown. We are sceptics. We don’t believe in magic. All that we know is that HETEROPOCALYPSE will be an erotic novella like no other. Advance purchases are available by contacting heteropocalypse@riseup.net.
